Being Extra

See, they didn't even take my words seriously. Never. They weren't even listening to me seriously when I said that I'm joining their plan to stay at The Loft. J used the "this is a CCA thing" as an excuse as well. But it was for CCA only from the start, if that was the problem, why bother mentioning it and asking me and V to join from the start? Or is it just meant to be for V from the start? I was just being extra and thick skin enough to say that "I'm joining". And everyone swears that they didn't hear me mentioning it. I'm not angry. No, I'm not. I'm just disappointed that no one has taken what I said seriously. No one had been listening to me seriously. What on earth am I? What's the point of me clinging to this group?

If the problem lies with CCA, I can just simply join, can't I? Just like what V did. But no one even bothered to ask "Hey, you wanna join the CCA so that you can join us at the Loft?", or "Hey, are you really not staying with us?". Or if they've forgotten that I was around when they talk about it, then they should be saying "Hey, you free on the Vesak day? We staying at the loft, you want to join us?"

Now, they just simply use the excuse of "oh it's full already".

No, you don't get it. It's not about the stay that I mind about. It's about my position in you guys' heart. It's about what I really am to you guys. You guys just don't discuss anything with me. It's not that I want to be 霸道 and want yall to listen to me like some 老大 like that. I just want to be part of you guys, I just want to get involved. But why is it that difficult? I do have dignity. I don't like to take the initiative all the time coz I don't have to do this in other group. I can't even comment anything anymore at this point of time since that everything has been set, those who need to join the CCA has joined, those rooms are already full, those plans are already made. Complaining much won't change anything. I just hope you guys can really 将心比心, put yourselves in my shoe. It seems like you guys have each other to count on, but I don't. I'm just alone. Whatever I missed out, I need to catch up and find out by myself. If I don't, then it's too bad. Coz you guys are not obliged to do all these for me, you guys are not my maid. The treatment is just so different when it comes to me (you know what I meant).

I know, you guys can just say "Since you feel happier with your other friends then go and join them lah, go and find them and stop complaining about being left out when you're with us." But that's how I value you guys, that's how important I treat you guys that I want to do whatever it takes so that I can really be a part of you guys. But do you guys really appreciate my effort? Or have you guys been paying attention about it? It seems that I'm one of you guys just by a look at it from an outsider's view. But.... am I really one?

I really really feel damn extra. Should I just leave this group and probably join the other clique in the class? What's the point of all this shit? 

Sorrow.

You gave me hope, you encouraged me, you let me see the light when I was in the darkest part in my Poly life. Now you are leaving me, pushing me aside, or rather forgot that I'm being left alone aside. 

I used to think that you are the most reliable one but I start to question myself lately. Do you really understand me that much? What I meant by "understand" is being able to tell what's on my mind when I don't utter a single word. But.... are you really that understanding? or rather, have you given up on me? 

Idk what's happening lately, it just.... sucks. Everything sucks. Studies, work, overseas trip, and friends. It's like everything is decided and settled without me getting involved. Everyone is forgetting that I'm around. No matter it's in class, lecture, canteen, or just anywhere even in pictures.

Once bitten and twice shy, announcing it out loud just doesn't solve anything regarding this. Even when I tried to hint so loud, no one hears my cries. 

No one bother to reply or discuss about whatever mentioned by me seriously, but when another person speaks, I'll hear responses.

Sigh, you guys aren't me. So you won't know. It's like I'm going back to my previous  state, wonder what am I to you guys. 

Is it just me or you guys do feel so? Nah, I guess you won't. Anyway, I think everything has proven that I'm just being 不自量力. True that, I really do not know where do I stand. Sometimes you let me in, but push me out at times. Or is it just me who think that I could blend it that easily? Is it just me who think that half year has brought us closer but actually we don't? Coz I'm forever half year behind, true?

I just hate it when I'm not involved for most of the time. Don't I have opinion? Don't I have preference as well? Ain't I a human? I really can't find any reason to smile, to laugh anymore, especially in school. It's as if I'm with a group of people, but having some arguments with the members, coz we totally don't talk. I can sit in class for 2 hours tutorial followed by 2 hours lecture and not opened my mouth at all. It does happen, just observe if you care.  It's not as if I don't wish to talk, but no one to talk to. It's not as if I wasn't trying to talk, it just that no one seems to care about the convo that I've started and no responses as if I'm talking to myself. 

Even those perfect workmates are leaving one by one. And I'll be left by myself again. 

Sometimes, I'm really surprised by myself being extremely high and sociable most of the time when I'm with my swimmates and ISC friends even when I don't see them everyday and commit that often. 

Sigh, this is just stupid. Who am I even ranting at right now? Myself. No one will be bothered to read this. Everything sucks. Sometimes I do hope that I can control my own mind so that I can really stop hoping. 

我好像。。开始喜欢你了。。

So yeah, I'm employed! :D Currently I'm working at Ichiban Boshi a.k.a Ichiban Sushi @Raffles Place.

I like the working environment very much and the fact that I'm very welcomed there by the staff. So, let me introduce few important ppl in the outlet :)

May : 

-- the manager who interviewed me

-- super strict Vietnamese 

-- can be damn fucked up at times but can be damn super nice at times too! 

-- kinda likes me a lot coz I've been showing her good impressions 

alright, you may call me boot-licker, but you can't deny that you need connections in order to work in a happy environment, true?

Bea :

-- Phillipino manager who manages schedule

Terence Nguyen :

-- https://www.facebook.com/terence.nguyen.79?fref=ts

-- yep, the second vietnamese with the surname "Nguyen" that I knew after my good friend Hoa :)

-- the first staff that I saw and talked to

-- senior staff coz he has been working for like 2yrs for attachment

-- kinda flirt but quite good looking and attached

-- friendly and always tease me by calling me "Baka" ;(

Valerie :

-- secondary school friend who introduced me to Ichiban Boshi

Kai Yuan :

-- malaysian kitchen staff

-- married father but like to flirt with me LOL

-- always cooks scrambled egg and salmon skin for me :)

-- quite cute at times , haha :D

Ah Yuan :

-- https://www.facebook.com/waiyean.wong?fref=ts

-- malaysian kitchen staff

-- good looking but attached as well

-- likes to flirt and I kind of enjoy him flirting with me

-- we text almost everyday, a 'talkable' partner

-- often took train home together as he stay at Yishun

-- often have heart-to-heart-talk sessions

Phillip :

-- https://www.facebook.com/obsolete.felix?fref=ts

-- transferred here from Great World City outlet a week after I joined

-- oh ya, did I mention that he's a NP student as well? :P

-- in engineering course and canoeing *goshhh :D*

-- damn handsome but another attached guy 

老陈

-- dishwasher china uncle

-- praises my smile all the time

-- always brightens up my day with him friendly smile

-- offers me food without fail , hehe :P

Sigh.... like all the good guys are either died or attached, damn sian.

So yeah, you must be wondering how does the title be related to this topic. Hmmm... actually, I had this mixed feeling towards ah Yuan. Coz he's like my type and I do have 好感 towards him but I don't wanna be the 小三 in his relationship and I don't want our friendship to turn sour just because he knows that I actually do have feelings towards him. 

I wonder if the feeling grew because we've been texting almost everyday. 

Lately, he's quite worried about his girlfriend stuff as his girlfriend is going into army in Malaysia soon. (btw his girlfriend is also 18)

So yeah, I can see how his mood changes a lot and he becomes less flirtatious which is supposed to be a good thing. I know that this is weird but I kind of miss him being flirtatious to me and text me everyday. Now he has stop doing it due to his bad mood. I kind of feel sad and have this feeling of emptiness inside and my phone became quite quiet. On top of that, due to three new staff being attached to our outlets for 2 months, manager cut down part-timers' working hours. Sigh. Lesser money. and I can't go home often with Ah Yuan coz Bea doesn't put me for work. :(

Actually I'm also not that sure if I really like Ah Yuan as boyfriend or not, coz it might be just an impulsive feeling as a friend who used to text you everyday suddenly stop doing so. But anyway, I'm trying to 收起 my feelings towards him before it's too late. 

And I'm gonna endure this "him" for another 1 mth coz his girlfriend will be in the army for 1 mth. Sigh. 

I miss him, hope that he'll 'return' soon. 

But anyway, I really really do enjoy working there, I love all the people there as they are damn friendly and understanding and funny. They don't rage without reason and they are just damn nice to me. 

Looking forward to the next time working there :)

Study week or Working week?

Alright, today is Monday though it's gonna end soon and it's the official first day of BA's study week.

Right, which means next week is actually my exam, right after CNY holidays, sad. 

At first I've been indecisive whether I should go back to Batam or just stay in Singapore to work and study, but yeahhh bad things do happen on me. My working plan at the Orange Lantern kind of dismissed due to my availability to work on weekends. The supervisor was straightforward enough to tell me through the phone that, "If you could work full shift on weekends, I would have called you long ago."

Hmmm. So are you hinting me that I should just stop waiting for your call? Alright, I've given up the moment he told me so. 

Next, I proceed with the Gardens by the Bay's plan. I really wanna work there, like damn cool and I've never been there before. But they told me that they are still arranging for the interview dates and they'll only call us this week or next week after CNY.

Fine, then I might as well wait for a while more while concentrating studying. That's what I thought I'll be doing for the rest of the days before exam.

But I happened to be assigned the task to arrange timetable at my workplace @SSC. What a rare chance to  put my name in the list as much as possible so that I can earn more. Yeah, there goes my study week. 

At first, I was naive enough to think that I could do some revision at SSC while waiting for the working hours to pass. However, there are so many events coming soon that a lot of people will be borrowing blazers and requesting for replacement of result slips due to the application for local uni. 

Today is the first day of this whole misery for the week. I've experienced enough how chaotic it was and I was kind of frustrated with the way Doris actually gave instructions all the time. She'll be damn nice during your personal time but when it comes to serving people, she'll be damn sarcastic and forever contradicts the thing she said. She'll just go book by book and another minute will tell me to be more flexible when I insist the customer to do something. What's this, it just makes me look so stupid in front of the customers, like I'm some newcomer or troublemaker who don't know how to handle shit myself. In addition, the crowd was horrendous and I can't really multi-task while working that well. I was like having some hangover due to lack of sleep, but I need to ensure nothing goes wrong so that Doris won't have single thing to pick on me. 

So, there goes my day. I wrote down my target for BStats today, which was to finish studying another 3 chapters, but I really have done shit today.

Just 30 mins before I ended work, I finally remembered that I was supposed to help Jiahui's mom for the cleaning job as her ah gong passed away and her family is quite busy with the funeral, causing lack of manpower. I hardly earned $20 after working with my terrible back pain and stiff shoulder, but spent it in a flash buying the 百凤丸 that mom kept on forcing me to buy. She said that it's damn good esp. for girls to 'clean' their body? Yeah, 6 freaking big boxes with only 15 small little pills in each and it costs me that bloody $20 hard-earned money. Mom said that she'll pay me though, as she kind of felt bad coz she said that I kena scam. O.O

I was like damn pekchek, if I have never listened to her and I don't buy that, I won't kena scam and won't even need to spend that bloody $20 right? I'd rather top-up my ez-link card, seriously. 

Sigh. Reached home and the first thing I did was just ranting here. Gonna eat my twister fries and ton to at least reach my target for BStats first. Working at 11am tmr but everyone asked me to go earlier if I could. Sigh. I try. :(
The only thing that really keeps me moving on and persevere for this last shitty week before exam is home. Going back to Batam again this Friday with fellow friends to celebrate CNY with family. Then we'll go out on second and probably half of the third day? coz I'm gonna come back alone on the third day as I have test on fourth day. Double Sigh. 
After that, hopefully the HR staff from Gardens by the Bay will contact me by then, or else I'll be joining Valerie to work at her current working place coz I wouldn't possibly rot for 2mths at home, right? and in order to have my big plan come true, I know I'll have to sacrifice and sacrifice. 

But not forgetting the constant motivation that I have is by having those awesome friends around me, like my Batam's friends; polymattes like Vannessa, Jocelyn, Celine; then SSC colleagues(DPA peeps) like Fir, Ben and Kim; last but not least my swimteam mattes Keith a.k.a. "Yuan Didi"! [coz his full name is Keith Tan Chong Yuan] haha! Ohh ohh and KinYong SyaSya, Darius the clown too! They are the ones I want to smile at everyday when I see them and they won't fail to bright my days up :D
Jiayou, Yixin! :)

Slowpoke

Hahahahaha I'm really damn slow omg. Yesterday during the dinner with the guys, we talked about those ghost picture pranks, like video about baby and the face suddenly turns creepy. Like your friends send you a link and when you click it, that creepy picture just pop up and fill up your entire computer screen with the stupid but loudest scream you'd ever heard coz you turn on your comp's volume too high.

I mentioned about Hoa once sent me a link for online game and when I won the round 5, this creepy thing pop out with the scream *and I was with my earpiece*

So Ys mentioned about this prank where the face will pop out while you read a comic. I thought that it was quite a creative idea coz I've never heard of it before, so I asked him to send me the link. But I totally forgotten about that.

This morning I saw Ys posted this thing on my fb wall.

Yep, this one

So I was like, uh? What's with that picture? and what is that "cute" referring to? I thought that he was trying to be random or something, but I don't get what he meant. So I replied this.

up to this point, I still didn't get what he meant

I was like "uhhh? why JY? Why Ys so random??" Though I didn't understand, I just played along with him.
Then at night, I saw Jy's reply for the post.

up to this point, you should know what's the link about

Again, I was like "what??? why these ppl so weird today? what bad feeling? It's just a picture of a guy what. And I show you a picture, but you mentioned 'watch' out of nowhere. What toking you???"

After that, I decided to click on the link once again and scroll all the way down. At first I thought it was nothing coz all the words are in Korean, and I don't understand a shit. I realised that it's a series of comic but the bell didn't ring yet. So I just kept on pressing the arrow key on my keyboard and then the screen came to a stop where this bloody face pop out.

We have a badass here 

And I was like WHAT THE FUCK???? I was stunt for a moment and LOL-ed after that. HAHAHAHAHA. Now then I remember about what Ys said LOL. So I went to reply Jy's comment and told them about how slow I was LOLOLOL. Fooled. Totally. 

Now I know why Ys mentioned about Jy there, coz Jy is super scared of these types of scenes LOL

Then I went back to the page as I thought that the comic hasn't ended yet, and indeed.

Here comes the next next screen LOL

Hahahahaha Nice one. I was speechless. Though I know that the picture alone wasn't scary at all, but I was really scrolling down without any preparation or anticipation for something like this. At all. LOL

Alright, so that's the end of my story for tonight. For those who want to experience the whole thing personally, feel free to click on the link below. and. ENJOY! :D

http://comic.naver.com/webtoon/detail.nhn?titleId=350217&no=20&weekday=tue

Nights! Sweet Dreams~ 

The Red Day

Alright, so the title of this post is actually referring to the first day of my period for this month. This morning, I woke up feeling slightly wet and uncomfortable. So I went to washroom to check and indeed, my "great-aunt" came to greet me. Immediately, I felt the menstrual pain and I swear, this could be the second time I've ever felt so pain throughout all my periods before. So, I immediately grabbed  a slice of bread and just stuff it into my mouth so that I could eat some painkillers. 

What makes me feel sian even more was the fact that I actually got an appointment to smooth-rebond my hair, which means I need to go out early and sit at the salon for at least 4hrs? 

Alright, double sian.

In the afternoon, I texted few ppl like Crystal and Hoa for dinner but both of them had plans at night. So, I tried my luck texting Edmund since we had not have dinner together with Jq, Ys, Jy and Sx for superrrrr long time, miss them so much. And yeap, they all agreed, whooooo! :D

Before I went to Edmund's house, I bought bread from BreadTalk and forced myself to eat again so that I could have the second round of painkillers. (It was really pain, okay?)

Had a wonderful evening cacthing up with all their jokes about their classmates and school. Other poly seems to have much interesting as compared to NP and in fact, there's no funny stories about our classmates that Jq and I could share. But nvm, it was a very enjoyable evening. Seriously, I could say that nothing is more enjoyable than to be with this crazy bunch of people I've known in Secondary school. *ohhh I miss those days*

Reached home around 10pm+ after buying lots of sanitary pads from Shop & Save. I can really open up a shop and sell all my sanitary pads man, I've got different brands and different lengths, that's exaggerating I know, but since I haven't found a really suitable ones to stick with, what to do? :o

I just realised that the pain was getting stronger as I reach home, for whatever reason, so I asked my aunt for painkillers as mine wasn't effective enough, today. (Just for today)

So I proceed to the store room to dig out all the sanitary pads I have and I found this! 

Present from Crystal during her Taiwan trip!

Hahahaha, and tell you what, the things that I'm going to share below will be a super epic joke that I've ever created! You'll rank me as the stupidest idiot you've ever known in your life! LOLOLOL

Yeah, it's a sanitary pad packaging. I really had never doubted that packaging before, and because it was really soft when I pressed down, I've always thought that it's a pack of sanitary pads!

So when Crystal gave it to me, I was like "uh??? sanitary pads???" 

*LOL, for that moment, I thought that Crystal was really the cutest girl I've ever know, Hahahahaha REALLYYYY* 

Hmmm, come to think of it, I've never opened it before, I didn't even know about the size and the length of the pads inside. I wonderrrrrr.

But before I opened it up, I started to really observing carefully the packaging because I thought it was really nicely decorated. Then, I realised sth amiss. Uhhhh? Expiry date???  What's next? 

WHATTTT? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? NUTRITION FACTS?

I was like WHATTT? ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS? Since when does sanitary pad "nutritious"??? UHHHH????

My phone camera was lousy, so I decided to type it out

Then I started to analyse every single chinese word carefully and I saw 棉花糖 and I was like LOLOLOL ROFL LMAO OMG HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING MAN, OMG CRYSTALLLLL OMG HOW DUMB I WAS!!!!! 

And she gave it to me like 2 months ago? I've not opened up coz I thought I'd only be able to use it when my period come, LOLOLOLOL

Inside was so cute LOLOLOL

Marshmallow! :)

HHAHAHAHAHA I still cannot believe how stupid I am, really! Sorry Crystal, for 辜负 your present LOLOL and thanks! 别致的包装，甜在心里! Hahahahaha

If my period never come, I might not have ever opened this up, will I?

I bet Crystal will be laughing mad reading this post.

Super stupid joke for the night LOL. What a stupid me. XDDDDD

Outcast

P.S. before you start to read this post, don't read if you are Vanessa or Jocelyn (I know you guys don't stalk me, but just in case there's such thing called coincidence), coz this blog is the only place where I can really say my 真心话 already, idk where to go if I cannot do it here. I don't want any of you to feel bad or backstabbed or angry coz of the things I'm going to say. It's just my PMS period again.

Alright, then I shall start saying what I really want to rant about.

I don't like this. I really really don't like this feeling. The feeling of being an outcast, outsider, being extras, these feelings are back. 

I thought I've found the clique that can really last for my next 2 years in NP, but I doubt that it will last long too. Lately my female friends in my class have started making friends with the guys, R created this whatsapp thing. whatsapp. I'm so anti whatsapp already. Why can't I afford a phone with whatsapp? Why do I have to work so hard but still worry about money? Why am I not born in a better family? Why unlucky things always happen on me? Why am I always the one being forgotten, being outcast, being sacrificed among my friends?

Okay, let's talk about whatsapp. That's the main reason of why I was being left out in TA30. I really really hate how they are focused only in their own jokes which I do not understand and no one bother to explain to me coz it's a long story for me to understand. If I got whatsapp, I'll know. 

That time they went for outing without even informing me and they called it a class outing. "class" uh you say??? I didn't fucking know a shit about it. Karin told me "uh? u don't know meh? I thought they got say in whatsapp?" I gave her that look and replied "how would I know? since when do I have whatsapp?" and she gave me that guilty look. 

Now, this class is creating whatsapp group again. All their inner jokes, their whatever zoos, whatever papi mami thingy, no I DON'T UNDERSTAND. Why must mankind create phone? Why not like last time where youngsters foster their friendships through outdoor bonding, face-to-face contact? Why must there be phone,  whatsapp created which result in ppl who cannot afford those luxury stuff being outcast? Okay, it's not a luxurious thing for you to own iPhone, Samsung galaxy, blackberry alright? but for me, just by signing Sony experia contract, I need to make sure I've got enough pay to support that monthly payment okay? For the sake of those whatsapp and friends thingy? No, I don't have parents to support my expenses, they cannot okay, I don't want to increase their burden but I increase my own, but where does this burden really come from? I know, my friends didn't force me to buy smartphones but who wants to be left out? This feeling is terrible kay? Sometimes I really hate the fact of how poor I am. Why can't I be like the rest, just 伸手要钱 from parents? R complained about how she think that she's being treated like maid to do housework, but what's the big deal of housework? we are adults, we are suppose to help for this thing isn't it? I do housework kay? I do housework everyday when I'm still in Indonesia kay? Now it's even worse, you can imagine how I handwash my clothes myself, iron my clothes, sweep the floor, etc etc etc + regular work. Yeah, they always say that I so hiong coz I work almost everyday, so yours is no big deal as compared to mine. Whenever there's overseas trip (OIP) announced, I can only let those chances being taken by others, I didn't express how I want to go so badly, but I do. I've never went once. But I don't even dare to let my mom know. 

 I hate working like a cow, sometimes I just feel like a money-making robot, but I do feel tired okay? I don't like this, I'm so tired. I'm so poor that I got no time to bond with my friends (coz I need to work), don't have smartphone to whatsapp with the rest, cannot go OIP and I miss those learning opportunities, are these reasonable reasons for me to lose most of the friends and opportunities around me?

Like when I need people to sit with me during tutorial ytd because I never do my tutorial ytd. Just that once okay, coz it's like 3 tables per row. I just wanted someone to sit with me for 1 lesson ytd, am I asking for too much? but V told me that J they all ask her to sit with them. Uh? What's this? So from the start they all want her to sit with them, knowing that there are only 3 tables. Then, where do I sit? Behind, Again.

Just want to clarify, I always sit behind, but it doesn't mean that I ENJOY SITTING BEHIND ALONE okay? I don't want to bee seen as an outcast that's why I always try to join back they all asap after each lessons end so that I can be seen as a group again. No, I don't mind sitting alone behind,really don't mind. coz I thought it'd be unreasonable to force someone to sit with me, right? unless you really take me as friend and genuinely want to sit with me. I thought by being the one sacrificing, I'll be more easy to get along with. But why everytime is ME? why must be me?

and about last week, I managed to squeeze into the inner table, so 2 tables left. I thought that V will be sitting at the last table coz R is in the toilet. But V sat behind and left that seat for R. I felt bad for V okay, I really felt bad coz I always sit behind alone, so awkwardly alone when you have a clique. R sat on that seat when she came back but moved behind after 5 mins to sit with V. I don't think V texted R or sth, that's 自动. I was like, "what exactly am I?" Now I feel so extra, extra that I want to cry sososososo much when I blog this during Bstats lesson. Because of me, V has to sit behind alone. Because of V alone, R has to move to the back to pei her. Because of this, J cannot sit with V and R, I'm very extra. 

But if they really make some changes from now on just because they know about this, I'm not going to appreciate much coz most of us can read faces, we know what's true and what's fake.

When I nv mention, it doesn't mean that I have no feeling, I  just don't want to be seen as the bad guy, but coz of this, I can only endure the pain myself. 

This morning I was late for FFA tutorial, and as expected, I sat alone again. No one texted me anymore to ask if I was otw or I just wake up or I was sick or for whatever reason I was late. But nvm okay. 

Class ended quite early today but they refused to leave the room. So I continued to sit behind quietly to see if any of them realise that I've been waiting alone since just now. I started to tweet emo stuff on twitter, but they kept on laughing with the guys. whatsapp again. When they finally stood up, no one waited for me, they just went off. I realised that I haven't even opened my mouth to talk to any of them today, but no one came to ask why am I especially quiet and anti-social today. Now I don't feel like talking to anyone today, so get lost. I feel like just leaving without saying bye to any of them when the lesson ends, but I know that I cannot, I'll still at least say bye to V, coz actually they are like so innocent. They just don't understand what's happening inside me, they don't know about my past, they don't understand how I felt when I was being treated like shit by all the friends whom I genuinely cherish so much.

I'm super exhausted, the emptiness in my heart, coz no one is genuinely showing concern around me.