Sorrow.

You gave me hope, you encouraged me, you let me see the light when I was in the darkest part in my Poly life. Now you are leaving me, pushing me aside, or rather forgot that I'm being left alone aside. 

I used to think that you are the most reliable one but I start to question myself lately. Do you really understand me that much? What I meant by "understand" is being able to tell what's on my mind when I don't utter a single word. But.... are you really that understanding? or rather, have you given up on me? 

Idk what's happening lately, it just.... sucks. Everything sucks. Studies, work, overseas trip, and friends. It's like everything is decided and settled without me getting involved. Everyone is forgetting that I'm around. No matter it's in class, lecture, canteen, or just anywhere even in pictures.

Once bitten and twice shy, announcing it out loud just doesn't solve anything regarding this. Even when I tried to hint so loud, no one hears my cries. 

No one bother to reply or discuss about whatever mentioned by me seriously, but when another person speaks, I'll hear responses.

Sigh, you guys aren't me. So you won't know. It's like I'm going back to my previous  state, wonder what am I to you guys. 

Is it just me or you guys do feel so? Nah, I guess you won't. Anyway, I think everything has proven that I'm just being 不自量力. True that, I really do not know where do I stand. Sometimes you let me in, but push me out at times. Or is it just me who think that I could blend it that easily? Is it just me who think that half year has brought us closer but actually we don't? Coz I'm forever half year behind, true?

I just hate it when I'm not involved for most of the time. Don't I have opinion? Don't I have preference as well? Ain't I a human? I really can't find any reason to smile, to laugh anymore, especially in school. It's as if I'm with a group of people, but having some arguments with the members, coz we totally don't talk. I can sit in class for 2 hours tutorial followed by 2 hours lecture and not opened my mouth at all. It does happen, just observe if you care.  It's not as if I don't wish to talk, but no one to talk to. It's not as if I wasn't trying to talk, it just that no one seems to care about the convo that I've started and no responses as if I'm talking to myself. 

Even those perfect workmates are leaving one by one. And I'll be left by myself again. 

Sometimes, I'm really surprised by myself being extremely high and sociable most of the time when I'm with my swimmates and ISC friends even when I don't see them everyday and commit that often. 

Sigh, this is just stupid. Who am I even ranting at right now? Myself. No one will be bothered to read this. Everything sucks. Sometimes I do hope that I can control my own mind so that I can really stop hoping.