Outcast

P.S. before you start to read this post, don't read if you are Vanessa or Jocelyn (I know you guys don't stalk me, but just in case there's such thing called coincidence), coz this blog is the only place where I can really say my 真心话 already, idk where to go if I cannot do it here. I don't want any of you to feel bad or backstabbed or angry coz of the things I'm going to say. It's just my PMS period again.

Alright, then I shall start saying what I really want to rant about.

I don't like this. I really really don't like this feeling. The feeling of being an outcast, outsider, being extras, these feelings are back. 

I thought I've found the clique that can really last for my next 2 years in NP, but I doubt that it will last long too. Lately my female friends in my class have started making friends with the guys, R created this whatsapp thing. whatsapp. I'm so anti whatsapp already. Why can't I afford a phone with whatsapp? Why do I have to work so hard but still worry about money? Why am I not born in a better family? Why unlucky things always happen on me? Why am I always the one being forgotten, being outcast, being sacrificed among my friends?

Okay, let's talk about whatsapp. That's the main reason of why I was being left out in TA30. I really really hate how they are focused only in their own jokes which I do not understand and no one bother to explain to me coz it's a long story for me to understand. If I got whatsapp, I'll know. 

That time they went for outing without even informing me and they called it a class outing. "class" uh you say??? I didn't fucking know a shit about it. Karin told me "uh? u don't know meh? I thought they got say in whatsapp?" I gave her that look and replied "how would I know? since when do I have whatsapp?" and she gave me that guilty look. 

Now, this class is creating whatsapp group again. All their inner jokes, their whatever zoos, whatever papi mami thingy, no I DON'T UNDERSTAND. Why must mankind create phone? Why not like last time where youngsters foster their friendships through outdoor bonding, face-to-face contact? Why must there be phone,  whatsapp created which result in ppl who cannot afford those luxury stuff being outcast? Okay, it's not a luxurious thing for you to own iPhone, Samsung galaxy, blackberry alright? but for me, just by signing Sony experia contract, I need to make sure I've got enough pay to support that monthly payment okay? For the sake of those whatsapp and friends thingy? No, I don't have parents to support my expenses, they cannot okay, I don't want to increase their burden but I increase my own, but where does this burden really come from? I know, my friends didn't force me to buy smartphones but who wants to be left out? This feeling is terrible kay? Sometimes I really hate the fact of how poor I am. Why can't I be like the rest, just 伸手要钱 from parents? R complained about how she think that she's being treated like maid to do housework, but what's the big deal of housework? we are adults, we are suppose to help for this thing isn't it? I do housework kay? I do housework everyday when I'm still in Indonesia kay? Now it's even worse, you can imagine how I handwash my clothes myself, iron my clothes, sweep the floor, etc etc etc + regular work. Yeah, they always say that I so hiong coz I work almost everyday, so yours is no big deal as compared to mine. Whenever there's overseas trip (OIP) announced, I can only let those chances being taken by others, I didn't express how I want to go so badly, but I do. I've never went once. But I don't even dare to let my mom know. 

 I hate working like a cow, sometimes I just feel like a money-making robot, but I do feel tired okay? I don't like this, I'm so tired. I'm so poor that I got no time to bond with my friends (coz I need to work), don't have smartphone to whatsapp with the rest, cannot go OIP and I miss those learning opportunities, are these reasonable reasons for me to lose most of the friends and opportunities around me?

Like when I need people to sit with me during tutorial ytd because I never do my tutorial ytd. Just that once okay, coz it's like 3 tables per row. I just wanted someone to sit with me for 1 lesson ytd, am I asking for too much? but V told me that J they all ask her to sit with them. Uh? What's this? So from the start they all want her to sit with them, knowing that there are only 3 tables. Then, where do I sit? Behind, Again.

Just want to clarify, I always sit behind, but it doesn't mean that I ENJOY SITTING BEHIND ALONE okay? I don't want to bee seen as an outcast that's why I always try to join back they all asap after each lessons end so that I can be seen as a group again. No, I don't mind sitting alone behind,really don't mind. coz I thought it'd be unreasonable to force someone to sit with me, right? unless you really take me as friend and genuinely want to sit with me. I thought by being the one sacrificing, I'll be more easy to get along with. But why everytime is ME? why must be me?

and about last week, I managed to squeeze into the inner table, so 2 tables left. I thought that V will be sitting at the last table coz R is in the toilet. But V sat behind and left that seat for R. I felt bad for V okay, I really felt bad coz I always sit behind alone, so awkwardly alone when you have a clique. R sat on that seat when she came back but moved behind after 5 mins to sit with V. I don't think V texted R or sth, that's 自动. I was like, "what exactly am I?" Now I feel so extra, extra that I want to cry sososososo much when I blog this during Bstats lesson. Because of me, V has to sit behind alone. Because of V alone, R has to move to the back to pei her. Because of this, J cannot sit with V and R, I'm very extra. 

But if they really make some changes from now on just because they know about this, I'm not going to appreciate much coz most of us can read faces, we know what's true and what's fake.

When I nv mention, it doesn't mean that I have no feeling, I  just don't want to be seen as the bad guy, but coz of this, I can only endure the pain myself. 

This morning I was late for FFA tutorial, and as expected, I sat alone again. No one texted me anymore to ask if I was otw or I just wake up or I was sick or for whatever reason I was late. But nvm okay. 

Class ended quite early today but they refused to leave the room. So I continued to sit behind quietly to see if any of them realise that I've been waiting alone since just now. I started to tweet emo stuff on twitter, but they kept on laughing with the guys. whatsapp again. When they finally stood up, no one waited for me, they just went off. I realised that I haven't even opened my mouth to talk to any of them today, but no one came to ask why am I especially quiet and anti-social today. Now I don't feel like talking to anyone today, so get lost. I feel like just leaving without saying bye to any of them when the lesson ends, but I know that I cannot, I'll still at least say bye to V, coz actually they are like so innocent. They just don't understand what's happening inside me, they don't know about my past, they don't understand how I felt when I was being treated like shit by all the friends whom I genuinely cherish so much.

I'm super exhausted, the emptiness in my heart, coz no one is genuinely showing concern around me.