When Will All These Be Over?

Problem always comes one after another. I'm so sick of it. Really.

I've never really been enjoying my life since I come to Singapore. There are many times whereby I asked myself : Why are you creating so much burden for yourself? Is this really where you want to be?

Money has always been the responsible of parents and when has it been passed down to a 15 years old child. Come on, now I'm already 17. The God has been joking with me all the time, isn't He? Whenever there seems to be a glimpse of hope, suddenly they tell me that it was not supposed to be like that. Then, another problem arouse. 

Even now, I ended up with the tight schedule, while I need to cope with school, project, work, giving tuition and bonding session as well as all sorts of commitment that I wish to join.

I want to join another BAOC (previous one was really fun, not because of my classmates of course. It's because I really enjoy event like that), swimming (till now I could not find a day to go for trial. 10 weeks has passed), rotaract club (their outings and community service that I've been waiting for damn long). I ended up has to reject almost all of them except for BAOC. I'm still kinda worried if I can go for BAOC outing as I had signed up for 2 groups. 

Like, are you kidding me? I don't mind to share my schedule here:

Mon : * School 9am-11am, 1pm-3pm, 6pm-8pm

Tue   : *School 9am-11am, 1pm-5pm.

          *Give tuition 7.30pm-9pm

Wed : *School 1pm-3pm

          *Give tuition 7.30pm-9pm

Thurs :*School 9am-1pm, 2pm-4pm

          *Give tuition 6.30pm-9pm

Fri    : *School 9am-1pm

          *Work @SSC 1pm-6pm

Sat   : *Work @SindoFerry 8am-6.30pm

Sun  : *Work @SindoFerry 8am-6.30pm

Approximately I can only reach home at average of 10pm everyday except for Fri-Sun.

I really deserve a long long long break, don't I? I didn't even get to enjoy my holiday where other teens are partying crazily and having their outing marathon out there to maximise their holiday. But me? Working like a cow. Those money are also used to support my daily expenses which is left with nothing most of the time. What have I been doing for these 3 years? I'm so tired.

From iPhone wait until iPhone2, then iPhone3, iPhone4, 4S, Samsung Galaxy SII. Now Galaxy SIII has even been launched and I had owned none of them. None. It has a really great impact on my social life, friends drifting apart, cannot get up-to-date with my new friends, resulting us in acquaintances. I ended up having low self-esteem and nowadays I even try to show my phone as little as possible. Because I know that the rest wouldn't understand me. Holy crap. Everyone said "I understand. Yeah, I also like that." Crap. You know what I meant by crap? You are not same with me, you wouldn't understand me at all. Your situation and mine is like totally different dude. You've got your parents to support you, you got a comfortable home of yours, don't need to think of how you going to borrow money from, when can you buy new clothes, you've got everything you need. Mostly everything.

Yet, you guys don't know how to treasure them. Look at my schedule man. Seriously, it's insane. I cannot even breathe.

Lately, I even encountered 鬼压床. Yeah, it's like the scientific symptoms where they say occurred because you are really too stressed. Like your eyelid can hardly open, not even half. You know people are just right beside you, but they do not know that you need them, trying to shout but nothing comes out from your throat, your body cannot even move at all, and some scary voice getting louder and louder beside your ear. That incident really freaked me out when it happened at SindoFerry when I was lying on the table and sleeping so nicely. Sha said "nonsense lah you" but I know the best that I was true. 

Those friend whom I thought are really concerned about me had really disappointed me one after another. Enabelle is one of them, followed by my fellow classmates. You guys said that you are disappointed at me, hated me, called me with all sorts of rough words like "bitch", scold me with various vulgarities like "fuck you", but have you ever put yourselves in my shoe? Before you made those remarks, have you even think of me or rather why would I turn out to be like that? Who is the cause behind everything? The person who is hurt don't even have the right to cry in pain, so why would you be so cold-blooded and insensitive towards people around you especially people like me who is lack of love and concern?

I don't even have time to care about my crush or hang out with him. Forget it, I think I would probably stay single forever? Anyway, who will like a poor, low-class, ugly and anti-social people like me? Yeah, I'm that awful. I know. 

So, yeah basically these are my feelings and thoughts that I've been wanted to pour out with someone but I couldn't find any suitable candidate for damn long. Eventually, this is the only comfort for me. As if someone will read my blog and sympathise me like that. Yeah, Dream on Christina.

Life is about dreams, perseverance and challenge. Those who are tough are the ones who can survive. I wanna be one of them, make those who had ever despise me or looked down on me or worse, has given up on me to regret and reflect upon their own doings. Rather, people don't reflect till the day they realise that everything is over and they gonna leave. 

Sigh. With this, I think I should end this long rant and boring blog? Because I've been talking about roughly the same thing most of the time as these problems never want to leave me. Perhaps, they are going to bug me forever till the day I die. Alright, sweet dreams. 加油！

How's Life?

Hey yeah, how's life, everyone?

It's been ages since I last blogged. Yeah, I'm really busy lately. Unlike other people, I did not get to enjoy my holiday. Obviously, what I did was working like a bull, working really really hard. I don't see my ideal future and dreams getting nearer but I know that one need to be tough in order to survive in this cruel society. This is the reality. The richer and powerful ones enjoy and the poorer ones suffer. Come to think of it, I'm not really the worst example, aren't I? There are more people who are in worse situation than me, right? Please DO say YES. I need plenty of support from the person I love right now. I'm about to collapse but I need to hang on and work even further.

My uncle did say something correct: "Since you know that you are inferior to other people, you need to work ten times harder than the rest. You cannot enjoy a relaxed life like what others are doing." But, has anyone showing me concern lately in these darkest hours?

Meanwhile, those people whom I really appreciate a lot : my mom, auntie, uncle, sis, yuefen, crystal.

I wonder where has those people whom I thought will go through all these with me have gone: Enabelle, 979, etc etc. Thanks a lot. By showing me this side of you, yall have actually given me strength to persevere even further. I am confident that I'm able to turn the hatred into motivation and yes I will.

Lately, there are a lot of activities that I really wanted to join and in fact, I've signed up in advance for some but end up have to cancel them last minute. Those include Rotaract Club BBQ outing, Donation day, ACRES volunteer and the most important thing, is to rest. I'm so so so tired.

Like I'm so no life. Earn money in order to pay for expenses, then I need to earn them back and the circle goes round and round and round. Those people who ever said that they envy me, you'll never want to go through this, trust me. I'm not as strong as I look. I'm just an ordinary small little weak girl. I need support, comfort, concern, sympathy, and love from the people whom I really care. But what do I actually get in return? Yeah, crap. 

By the way, I'm so grateful to Lechelle's mom as well. Lechelle is my officially first student. I teach her P2 Maths. I was kind of surprised. Her result doesn't really improve much yet her mom introduced me to so many people that she know. Lately, she got me to teach her nephew and niece in Sengkang who are in P5 and Sec3 respectively. After asking if I have any available days, I realized that I'm only left with Thurs-Sun after 6pm available every week. Pathetic right? Yeah, my mind is all about money right now. I immediately accepted her offer. The tuition will start next week so I'll see how it goes. 

So, I'll keep you guys updated yeah. Nitez my Baobei~ Jiayou! :D

United? Shithead.

So, today is supposed to be revision day, cause I'll be sitting for ITB paper tomorrow. But anyway, I went to school for 1hour talk from 12pm-1pm for the sake of CCA points. Blame myself for being CCA-less right now. :(

The talk was quite interesting initially, but it started to get boring and more boring eventually till I fell asleep. Oh, anyway, did I mention that I saw him again? 

Yeah, before I headed to library for the talk, I went to Munch to try my luck as he's having paper today but I'm not too sure about the time and venue. I reached school 1hour earlier, so why not? And I REALLY SAW HIM! I was like OMG omg how? I'm very excited. He was with his friend, so I just poked his shoulder, he turned around and we waved to each other, that's all. Followed by 2SMS/person then we stopped communicating. I was like sitting near the exit door of the Munch, "revising" alone (with the initially intention so that he would at least walk past me if he wants to go home). In the end, around 11.30am I turned around and he wasn't there already. Sigh. We are really not fated, are we?

When I reach home, all I did was to watch Sungkyunkwan Scandal! Omg tell you, it's damn freaking nice seriously. I was tempted to continue to watch episode after episode. Park Yoo Chun is damn hot!!!!!

10pm : I finally decided to stop watching at episode 18, shall continue tomorrow perhaps. :) I went to see FaceBook for a while and saw a new post on the group "TO1 is 26Y4U". I thought everyone had long abandoned that group? 

This is the new post.

Tell you, I'm so not going to go. I'm not going to be a fool again. Be it in the past or present, nothing has changed. They are always those people. Beside of saying "I understand", "I know", or the line that I hated the most : "You should try to talk to them", "...join them" and whatever shit. NO! You guys fucking don't understand. If yes, things wouldn't have turned out in this way. I hate yall. Listen guys, I HATE YALL, the 979 or TO1 or TA30 or whatever shitty name yall gave for this clique, I HATE YALL to the core!

You guys will never know how much hurt yall have caused, how many times have yall disappoint me, how many chances I've given yall to prove that yall aren't the kind of people I think yall are. I tried how many thousand times to be thick skin, to re-do this experiments all over again. No, I'm not gonna tell yall guys about this again, cause I'm just going to create a laughing joke. 

Just to take note, yall plan, yall go ahead. Even though ALL of you will attend (ALL including Amy, Sheryl, Winnie, Celine), I'm not gonna go. Or perhaps, yall will realise by then? But yeah, I don't expect miracle on yall? *Bitch please* Don't ask me why, this is not a troll and whatever shit, instead, I'll cause a troll if I ever go. So, yeah. You guys enjoy your holiday outing, your gathering, and I'm going to spend my holiday working part-time and keep myself busy so that I won't think of you guys. You guys had abandoned me more than twice and I'm not going to be a dog who follow yall everywhere. I'm so looking forward to my holiday and after that, I'll choose different timetable, TO1 or specifically 979 will be erased from my life from then onwards. 

Thanks for all the empty hopes yall have given me, thanks for the hypocrites, yall have made me even stronger. I'm going to prove you wrong, make yall stunt, regret and feel guilty at least while you guys are in NP. 

As I said, I'm not going to tell yall in your face, but I DO hope that someone will see this post and know that I'm referring to you. This is how much agony yall have brought to me, mind it.