Being Extra

See, they didn't even take my words seriously. Never. They weren't even listening to me seriously when I said that I'm joining their plan to stay at The Loft. J used the "this is a CCA thing" as an excuse as well. But it was for CCA only from the start, if that was the problem, why bother mentioning it and asking me and V to join from the start? Or is it just meant to be for V from the start? I was just being extra and thick skin enough to say that "I'm joining". And everyone swears that they didn't hear me mentioning it. I'm not angry. No, I'm not. I'm just disappointed that no one has taken what I said seriously. No one had been listening to me seriously. What on earth am I? What's the point of me clinging to this group?

If the problem lies with CCA, I can just simply join, can't I? Just like what V did. But no one even bothered to ask "Hey, you wanna join the CCA so that you can join us at the Loft?", or "Hey, are you really not staying with us?". Or if they've forgotten that I was around when they talk about it, then they should be saying "Hey, you free on the Vesak day? We staying at the loft, you want to join us?"

Now, they just simply use the excuse of "oh it's full already".

No, you don't get it. It's not about the stay that I mind about. It's about my position in you guys' heart. It's about what I really am to you guys. You guys just don't discuss anything with me. It's not that I want to be 霸道 and want yall to listen to me like some 老大 like that. I just want to be part of you guys, I just want to get involved. But why is it that difficult? I do have dignity. I don't like to take the initiative all the time coz I don't have to do this in other group. I can't even comment anything anymore at this point of time since that everything has been set, those who need to join the CCA has joined, those rooms are already full, those plans are already made. Complaining much won't change anything. I just hope you guys can really 将心比心, put yourselves in my shoe. It seems like you guys have each other to count on, but I don't. I'm just alone. Whatever I missed out, I need to catch up and find out by myself. If I don't, then it's too bad. Coz you guys are not obliged to do all these for me, you guys are not my maid. The treatment is just so different when it comes to me (you know what I meant).

I know, you guys can just say "Since you feel happier with your other friends then go and join them lah, go and find them and stop complaining about being left out when you're with us." But that's how I value you guys, that's how important I treat you guys that I want to do whatever it takes so that I can really be a part of you guys. But do you guys really appreciate my effort? Or have you guys been paying attention about it? It seems that I'm one of you guys just by a look at it from an outsider's view. But.... am I really one?

I really really feel damn extra. Should I just leave this group and probably join the other clique in the class? What's the point of all this shit? 

Sorrow.

You gave me hope, you encouraged me, you let me see the light when I was in the darkest part in my Poly life. Now you are leaving me, pushing me aside, or rather forgot that I'm being left alone aside. 

I used to think that you are the most reliable one but I start to question myself lately. Do you really understand me that much? What I meant by "understand" is being able to tell what's on my mind when I don't utter a single word. But.... are you really that understanding? or rather, have you given up on me? 

Idk what's happening lately, it just.... sucks. Everything sucks. Studies, work, overseas trip, and friends. It's like everything is decided and settled without me getting involved. Everyone is forgetting that I'm around. No matter it's in class, lecture, canteen, or just anywhere even in pictures.

Once bitten and twice shy, announcing it out loud just doesn't solve anything regarding this. Even when I tried to hint so loud, no one hears my cries. 

No one bother to reply or discuss about whatever mentioned by me seriously, but when another person speaks, I'll hear responses.

Sigh, you guys aren't me. So you won't know. It's like I'm going back to my previous  state, wonder what am I to you guys. 

Is it just me or you guys do feel so? Nah, I guess you won't. Anyway, I think everything has proven that I'm just being 不自量力. True that, I really do not know where do I stand. Sometimes you let me in, but push me out at times. Or is it just me who think that I could blend it that easily? Is it just me who think that half year has brought us closer but actually we don't? Coz I'm forever half year behind, true?

I just hate it when I'm not involved for most of the time. Don't I have opinion? Don't I have preference as well? Ain't I a human? I really can't find any reason to smile, to laugh anymore, especially in school. It's as if I'm with a group of people, but having some arguments with the members, coz we totally don't talk. I can sit in class for 2 hours tutorial followed by 2 hours lecture and not opened my mouth at all. It does happen, just observe if you care.  It's not as if I don't wish to talk, but no one to talk to. It's not as if I wasn't trying to talk, it just that no one seems to care about the convo that I've started and no responses as if I'm talking to myself. 

Even those perfect workmates are leaving one by one. And I'll be left by myself again. 

Sometimes, I'm really surprised by myself being extremely high and sociable most of the time when I'm with my swimmates and ISC friends even when I don't see them everyday and commit that often. 

Sigh, this is just stupid. Who am I even ranting at right now? Myself. No one will be bothered to read this. Everything sucks. Sometimes I do hope that I can control my own mind so that I can really stop hoping.