안녕 !

Alrighty everyone!

I'm finally back after disappearing for like 9mths? Okay, so throughout this 9mth, many things had definitely happened to me. Somehow, I tend to be quite negative these days. All I could think of are those sad, disappointing and embarrassing moments.

Well, shall keep you updated of what's going on with me nowadays. #leggo

FAMILY

Family.... Hmmm. Nothing much has changed between my r/s with my mom..... I just don't know how to fill up those gaps anymore, during the time when we were separated bcos of me studying in Singapore. Somehow, she seems to be very distant to me. I really do not know how to kill the time when I'm alone with her other than watching pre-downloaded videos on my phone.... I just miss those days when we were so close. Or is it just me? cos I finally found somewhere that I think I really belong to? I love everything everyone here. There is a voice occasionally whispering to me, kind of wanting to to stay further from her. But well, the next moment, I regretted how I've hurted her. Those times that I talked back to her, put her in the last priority after my friends, find her irritating and burdensome, and the worst.... wished that I could sever ties with her. I'm really sorry mom, I know that you just love me but I'm in my rebellious age that I couldn't express how I feel really well to you.

Dad? Hmmmm. Okay, there has been something like this ever since I heard of the death of my sec school's friend. I just can't help but to tear whenever I think about the moments that my dad and I had missed, since childhood. Nowadays, he seems to be very very lonely. I mean, a 60yrs old father (YES HE'S THAT OLD ALREADY) has yet to get the acknowledgement from his family. I mean.... Idk.... I can't help but to sympathise him. Most dads have probably retired by now and enjoying their life at home, but he has to work so hard in the field, and sometimes in the middle of the sea every day. I feel really sorry for him. Recalling how dark his face has became, his countless wrinkles that show, his fragile look whenever I return back home have never failed to ache my heart. I wish that I could spend more time with him now, but things are just not the same anymore. The one thing that I couldn't say out bravely : "I love you and wish to turn back the time, dad. You deserve another chance."

Alright, enough with those emotions. My sis is getting married WOHOOOO! Yes, and I'll be her only bridesmaid this 27 Dec '14 heheheheh :D But I guess, we're going to be even more distant then... :( (oh great, I'm back with this emotion again :/)

And oh, we are finally moving house at Batam! Like really own one, this time is really OURS ok. Since we've been renting houses all this while. But the funny thing is that our house kinda get smaller and squeezier every single time we move house. This time is not exceptional either.

Alright, that's all for today! Yes, I mainly focused on family to avoid too lengthy post LOL. Will continue with the rest of the updates soon! See you guys then! :D Off for a night run #leggo

等你一句话

So actually for those who were close with me 2 years back, you guys do know that my heart did melted for this guy Mr.K (which we shall address so in my posts). He was probably the first and the most gentleman I've ever met then. It seems like he wasn't even my type from the start based on his physical appearance (yeah, judger me. he looks good but his height is just not that up to my expectation sorry) but due to a close interaction with him during his trip to sg that time (and I was kind of their tour guide?), I realised what a nice person he was. He is just pleasant to be with and I just can't help but to fall for him.

I like the way he teases me with his mean yet flirtatious remarks; the way he would protect me with his actions; the way physical contact like accidental hand brush that occurs when we were walking close, the way he scolded me for shooting at him all the time during L4D game at LAN and the way he directed me with both of his hands firmly grab my shoulders.

Oh oh and did I mention how thoughtful he is and man he is, despite his size? He might not be the most romantic guy ever, but actions speak louder than words. At least he doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, isn't arrogant and doesn't have the attitude problems like how my father is.  

And through the 5 Love Language Test, it is accurate that I my love language is actually physical touch.

Okay, I know what you are thinking but don't get carried away by judging me as you  read the words "physical touch". I'm not sexual driven or anything okay. This was the description based on the result of the test :

"To this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch."

So........ You got the idea already? 

Anyways, the purpose of this test is to find out what you actually look for the most in a relationship so that you can communicate about your needs to your partner in order for you guys to last long okay? Sounds good isn't it? :) 

And yep, it's definitely accurate! I know the question are kinda wordy and a bit too much to answer. Some questions are actually repeated, but don't fret coz it is just a way that the test reconfirms what type of lover you really are. So, just bear with it kay? 

(So here's the link just in case you guys want to try out as well: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/)

However, my heart kinda aches when he got into relationship with one that I know and selfishly, I do hope silently that they .... *ahem* you get what I wanted to say right? 

Even after Mr. K came to sg to pursue his diploma, their long distance relationship seems to go well and I kinda envy them when I was out with them a couple of times. I always slapped myself hard in my mind in order to remind myself that he was attached with a very sweet and beautiful girl that I would never ever be able to replace. What I could do was slowly trying my best to let go and give them my blessing silently behind the scene. And knowing him being proud of how their long distance relationship lasted aches me y'know. I was very careful with my actions so that he couldn't tell that I actually had this affection towards him but I guess it was hard coz he treated all the girls the same okay. 

Why must he be so irresistably gentleman omg. Why Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy.............

But just a few months back, they officially broke up. I should be happy isn't it? But I just kinda empathise him and felt very wasteful for the relationship that he was so proud with. Worst still, the reason behind is due to the lack of interactions. Ouch. It just hurts to hear that the girl finally could not take it and decided to let go of him. 

So we hung out more often lately and we sort of joked more about relationship thingy. I just kind of 暗爽 when he joked about this type of stuff with me okay, but I just reacted like how we normally bicker. I do open up myself more in front of him lately and more physical contacts constantly occurs and he even pulled my fingers when he was trying to disturb me with the beef full of blood in the market. I know that it was just him being friendly and that was why I tried damn hard to maintain myself in order for me not to get hurt if it was really just a misunderstanding. Even if it was a misunderstanding, I believe that it will be 美丽的误会. I do not really know if he feels the same way as I do or if anyone else had seen it through but I'm actually just waiting for that one question. 

Sounds dramatic right? Just that one question, and I'd have no more regrets man. 

Being Extra

See, they didn't even take my words seriously. Never. They weren't even listening to me seriously when I said that I'm joining their plan to stay at The Loft. J used the "this is a CCA thing" as an excuse as well. But it was for CCA only from the start, if that was the problem, why bother mentioning it and asking me and V to join from the start? Or is it just meant to be for V from the start? I was just being extra and thick skin enough to say that "I'm joining". And everyone swears that they didn't hear me mentioning it. I'm not angry. No, I'm not. I'm just disappointed that no one has taken what I said seriously. No one had been listening to me seriously. What on earth am I? What's the point of me clinging to this group?

If the problem lies with CCA, I can just simply join, can't I? Just like what V did. But no one even bothered to ask "Hey, you wanna join the CCA so that you can join us at the Loft?", or "Hey, are you really not staying with us?". Or if they've forgotten that I was around when they talk about it, then they should be saying "Hey, you free on the Vesak day? We staying at the loft, you want to join us?"

Now, they just simply use the excuse of "oh it's full already".

No, you don't get it. It's not about the stay that I mind about. It's about my position in you guys' heart. It's about what I really am to you guys. You guys just don't discuss anything with me. It's not that I want to be 霸道 and want yall to listen to me like some 老大 like that. I just want to be part of you guys, I just want to get involved. But why is it that difficult? I do have dignity. I don't like to take the initiative all the time coz I don't have to do this in other group. I can't even comment anything anymore at this point of time since that everything has been set, those who need to join the CCA has joined, those rooms are already full, those plans are already made. Complaining much won't change anything. I just hope you guys can really 将心比心, put yourselves in my shoe. It seems like you guys have each other to count on, but I don't. I'm just alone. Whatever I missed out, I need to catch up and find out by myself. If I don't, then it's too bad. Coz you guys are not obliged to do all these for me, you guys are not my maid. The treatment is just so different when it comes to me (you know what I meant).

I know, you guys can just say "Since you feel happier with your other friends then go and join them lah, go and find them and stop complaining about being left out when you're with us." But that's how I value you guys, that's how important I treat you guys that I want to do whatever it takes so that I can really be a part of you guys. But do you guys really appreciate my effort? Or have you guys been paying attention about it? It seems that I'm one of you guys just by a look at it from an outsider's view. But.... am I really one?

I really really feel damn extra. Should I just leave this group and probably join the other clique in the class? What's the point of all this shit? 

Sorrow.

You gave me hope, you encouraged me, you let me see the light when I was in the darkest part in my Poly life. Now you are leaving me, pushing me aside, or rather forgot that I'm being left alone aside. 

I used to think that you are the most reliable one but I start to question myself lately. Do you really understand me that much? What I meant by "understand" is being able to tell what's on my mind when I don't utter a single word. But.... are you really that understanding? or rather, have you given up on me? 

Idk what's happening lately, it just.... sucks. Everything sucks. Studies, work, overseas trip, and friends. It's like everything is decided and settled without me getting involved. Everyone is forgetting that I'm around. No matter it's in class, lecture, canteen, or just anywhere even in pictures.

Once bitten and twice shy, announcing it out loud just doesn't solve anything regarding this. Even when I tried to hint so loud, no one hears my cries. 

No one bother to reply or discuss about whatever mentioned by me seriously, but when another person speaks, I'll hear responses.

Sigh, you guys aren't me. So you won't know. It's like I'm going back to my previous  state, wonder what am I to you guys. 

Is it just me or you guys do feel so? Nah, I guess you won't. Anyway, I think everything has proven that I'm just being 不自量力. True that, I really do not know where do I stand. Sometimes you let me in, but push me out at times. Or is it just me who think that I could blend it that easily? Is it just me who think that half year has brought us closer but actually we don't? Coz I'm forever half year behind, true?

I just hate it when I'm not involved for most of the time. Don't I have opinion? Don't I have preference as well? Ain't I a human? I really can't find any reason to smile, to laugh anymore, especially in school. It's as if I'm with a group of people, but having some arguments with the members, coz we totally don't talk. I can sit in class for 2 hours tutorial followed by 2 hours lecture and not opened my mouth at all. It does happen, just observe if you care.  It's not as if I don't wish to talk, but no one to talk to. It's not as if I wasn't trying to talk, it just that no one seems to care about the convo that I've started and no responses as if I'm talking to myself. 

Even those perfect workmates are leaving one by one. And I'll be left by myself again. 

Sometimes, I'm really surprised by myself being extremely high and sociable most of the time when I'm with my swimmates and ISC friends even when I don't see them everyday and commit that often. 

Sigh, this is just stupid. Who am I even ranting at right now? Myself. No one will be bothered to read this. Everything sucks. Sometimes I do hope that I can control my own mind so that I can really stop hoping. 

我好像。。开始喜欢你了。。

So yeah, I'm employed! :D Currently I'm working at Ichiban Boshi a.k.a Ichiban Sushi @Raffles Place.

I like the working environment very much and the fact that I'm very welcomed there by the staff. So, let me introduce few important ppl in the outlet :)

May : 

-- the manager who interviewed me

-- super strict Vietnamese 

-- can be damn fucked up at times but can be damn super nice at times too! 

-- kinda likes me a lot coz I've been showing her good impressions 

alright, you may call me boot-licker, but you can't deny that you need connections in order to work in a happy environment, true?

Bea :

-- Phillipino manager who manages schedule

Terence Nguyen :

-- https://www.facebook.com/terence.nguyen.79?fref=ts

-- yep, the second vietnamese with the surname "Nguyen" that I knew after my good friend Hoa :)

-- the first staff that I saw and talked to

-- senior staff coz he has been working for like 2yrs for attachment

-- kinda flirt but quite good looking and attached

-- friendly and always tease me by calling me "Baka" ;(

Valerie :

-- secondary school friend who introduced me to Ichiban Boshi

Kai Yuan :

-- malaysian kitchen staff

-- married father but like to flirt with me LOL

-- always cooks scrambled egg and salmon skin for me :)

-- quite cute at times , haha :D

Ah Yuan :

-- https://www.facebook.com/waiyean.wong?fref=ts

-- malaysian kitchen staff

-- good looking but attached as well

-- likes to flirt and I kind of enjoy him flirting with me

-- we text almost everyday, a 'talkable' partner

-- often took train home together as he stay at Yishun

-- often have heart-to-heart-talk sessions

Phillip :

-- https://www.facebook.com/obsolete.felix?fref=ts

-- transferred here from Great World City outlet a week after I joined

-- oh ya, did I mention that he's a NP student as well? :P

-- in engineering course and canoeing *goshhh :D*

-- damn handsome but another attached guy 

老陈

-- dishwasher china uncle

-- praises my smile all the time

-- always brightens up my day with him friendly smile

-- offers me food without fail , hehe :P

Sigh.... like all the good guys are either died or attached, damn sian.

So yeah, you must be wondering how does the title be related to this topic. Hmmm... actually, I had this mixed feeling towards ah Yuan. Coz he's like my type and I do have 好感 towards him but I don't wanna be the 小三 in his relationship and I don't want our friendship to turn sour just because he knows that I actually do have feelings towards him. 

I wonder if the feeling grew because we've been texting almost everyday. 

Lately, he's quite worried about his girlfriend stuff as his girlfriend is going into army in Malaysia soon. (btw his girlfriend is also 18)

So yeah, I can see how his mood changes a lot and he becomes less flirtatious which is supposed to be a good thing. I know that this is weird but I kind of miss him being flirtatious to me and text me everyday. Now he has stop doing it due to his bad mood. I kind of feel sad and have this feeling of emptiness inside and my phone became quite quiet. On top of that, due to three new staff being attached to our outlets for 2 months, manager cut down part-timers' working hours. Sigh. Lesser money. and I can't go home often with Ah Yuan coz Bea doesn't put me for work. :(

Actually I'm also not that sure if I really like Ah Yuan as boyfriend or not, coz it might be just an impulsive feeling as a friend who used to text you everyday suddenly stop doing so. But anyway, I'm trying to 收起 my feelings towards him before it's too late. 

And I'm gonna endure this "him" for another 1 mth coz his girlfriend will be in the army for 1 mth. Sigh. 

I miss him, hope that he'll 'return' soon. 

But anyway, I really really do enjoy working there, I love all the people there as they are damn friendly and understanding and funny. They don't rage without reason and they are just damn nice to me. 

Looking forward to the next time working there :)

Study week or Working week?

Alright, today is Monday though it's gonna end soon and it's the official first day of BA's study week.

Right, which means next week is actually my exam, right after CNY holidays, sad. 

At first I've been indecisive whether I should go back to Batam or just stay in Singapore to work and study, but yeahhh bad things do happen on me. My working plan at the Orange Lantern kind of dismissed due to my availability to work on weekends. The supervisor was straightforward enough to tell me through the phone that, "If you could work full shift on weekends, I would have called you long ago."

Hmmm. So are you hinting me that I should just stop waiting for your call? Alright, I've given up the moment he told me so. 

Next, I proceed with the Gardens by the Bay's plan. I really wanna work there, like damn cool and I've never been there before. But they told me that they are still arranging for the interview dates and they'll only call us this week or next week after CNY.

Fine, then I might as well wait for a while more while concentrating studying. That's what I thought I'll be doing for the rest of the days before exam.

But I happened to be assigned the task to arrange timetable at my workplace @SSC. What a rare chance to  put my name in the list as much as possible so that I can earn more. Yeah, there goes my study week. 

At first, I was naive enough to think that I could do some revision at SSC while waiting for the working hours to pass. However, there are so many events coming soon that a lot of people will be borrowing blazers and requesting for replacement of result slips due to the application for local uni. 

Today is the first day of this whole misery for the week. I've experienced enough how chaotic it was and I was kind of frustrated with the way Doris actually gave instructions all the time. She'll be damn nice during your personal time but when it comes to serving people, she'll be damn sarcastic and forever contradicts the thing she said. She'll just go book by book and another minute will tell me to be more flexible when I insist the customer to do something. What's this, it just makes me look so stupid in front of the customers, like I'm some newcomer or troublemaker who don't know how to handle shit myself. In addition, the crowd was horrendous and I can't really multi-task while working that well. I was like having some hangover due to lack of sleep, but I need to ensure nothing goes wrong so that Doris won't have single thing to pick on me. 

So, there goes my day. I wrote down my target for BStats today, which was to finish studying another 3 chapters, but I really have done shit today.

Just 30 mins before I ended work, I finally remembered that I was supposed to help Jiahui's mom for the cleaning job as her ah gong passed away and her family is quite busy with the funeral, causing lack of manpower. I hardly earned $20 after working with my terrible back pain and stiff shoulder, but spent it in a flash buying the 百凤丸 that mom kept on forcing me to buy. She said that it's damn good esp. for girls to 'clean' their body? Yeah, 6 freaking big boxes with only 15 small little pills in each and it costs me that bloody $20 hard-earned money. Mom said that she'll pay me though, as she kind of felt bad coz she said that I kena scam. O.O

I was like damn pekchek, if I have never listened to her and I don't buy that, I won't kena scam and won't even need to spend that bloody $20 right? I'd rather top-up my ez-link card, seriously. 

Sigh. Reached home and the first thing I did was just ranting here. Gonna eat my twister fries and ton to at least reach my target for BStats first. Working at 11am tmr but everyone asked me to go earlier if I could. Sigh. I try. :(
The only thing that really keeps me moving on and persevere for this last shitty week before exam is home. Going back to Batam again this Friday with fellow friends to celebrate CNY with family. Then we'll go out on second and probably half of the third day? coz I'm gonna come back alone on the third day as I have test on fourth day. Double Sigh. 
After that, hopefully the HR staff from Gardens by the Bay will contact me by then, or else I'll be joining Valerie to work at her current working place coz I wouldn't possibly rot for 2mths at home, right? and in order to have my big plan come true, I know I'll have to sacrifice and sacrifice. 

But not forgetting the constant motivation that I have is by having those awesome friends around me, like my Batam's friends; polymattes like Vannessa, Jocelyn, Celine; then SSC colleagues(DPA peeps) like Fir, Ben and Kim; last but not least my swimteam mattes Keith a.k.a. "Yuan Didi"! [coz his full name is Keith Tan Chong Yuan] haha! Ohh ohh and KinYong SyaSya, Darius the clown too! They are the ones I want to smile at everyday when I see them and they won't fail to bright my days up :D
Jiayou, Yixin! :)

Slowpoke

Hahahahaha I'm really damn slow omg. Yesterday during the dinner with the guys, we talked about those ghost picture pranks, like video about baby and the face suddenly turns creepy. Like your friends send you a link and when you click it, that creepy picture just pop up and fill up your entire computer screen with the stupid but loudest scream you'd ever heard coz you turn on your comp's volume too high.

I mentioned about Hoa once sent me a link for online game and when I won the round 5, this creepy thing pop out with the scream *and I was with my earpiece*

So Ys mentioned about this prank where the face will pop out while you read a comic. I thought that it was quite a creative idea coz I've never heard of it before, so I asked him to send me the link. But I totally forgotten about that.

This morning I saw Ys posted this thing on my fb wall.

Yep, this one

So I was like, uh? What's with that picture? and what is that "cute" referring to? I thought that he was trying to be random or something, but I don't get what he meant. So I replied this.

up to this point, I still didn't get what he meant

I was like "uhhh? why JY? Why Ys so random??" Though I didn't understand, I just played along with him.
Then at night, I saw Jy's reply for the post.

up to this point, you should know what's the link about

Again, I was like "what??? why these ppl so weird today? what bad feeling? It's just a picture of a guy what. And I show you a picture, but you mentioned 'watch' out of nowhere. What toking you???"

After that, I decided to click on the link once again and scroll all the way down. At first I thought it was nothing coz all the words are in Korean, and I don't understand a shit. I realised that it's a series of comic but the bell didn't ring yet. So I just kept on pressing the arrow key on my keyboard and then the screen came to a stop where this bloody face pop out.

We have a badass here 

And I was like WHAT THE FUCK???? I was stunt for a moment and LOL-ed after that. HAHAHAHAHA. Now then I remember about what Ys said LOL. So I went to reply Jy's comment and told them about how slow I was LOLOLOL. Fooled. Totally. 

Now I know why Ys mentioned about Jy there, coz Jy is super scared of these types of scenes LOL

Then I went back to the page as I thought that the comic hasn't ended yet, and indeed.

Here comes the next next screen LOL

Hahahahaha Nice one. I was speechless. Though I know that the picture alone wasn't scary at all, but I was really scrolling down without any preparation or anticipation for something like this. At all. LOL

Alright, so that's the end of my story for tonight. For those who want to experience the whole thing personally, feel free to click on the link below. and. ENJOY! :D

http://comic.naver.com/webtoon/detail.nhn?titleId=350217&no=20&weekday=tue

Nights! Sweet Dreams~